We sat there in silence taking a glimpse at each other from time to time. He was seated just next to me and felt so close yet so far away. There we were, after last seeing each other three years ago when he left after finishing the one semester. It was like we were the only people in the room amidst a hundred or more people. I wanted to hug him, tell him I missed him so much. His company, feeling his soft gentle hands on my back, just talking and laughing about anything and nothing or just seeing him walk from afar and watch him till he fades.
But I knew I can’t, I shouldn’t. The day he left was one of the days I dread the most. The day that when I think about I feel my heartbeat so fast and clench painfully like I was reliving it again. It hurt so much. I did not say what I wanted to say! I still remember each and every word when we were parting.
“So am leaving, in a matter of hours.” He started saying when we reached the cross path leading to our different dorms.
“Yeah…” I said, not looking at him in the eyes.
“Do you have anything you wanna tell me? Say it now or you will regret later.”
“I’m going to miss you a lot,” I said this time locking eyes with him and giving him a faint smile.
“Nothing else you want to say? Just that?” He asked with a serious but soft tone that I did not know what to make of it.
“I’ll miss you,” I said again still looking into his eyes.
I didn’t want that moment to end not knowing when I will ever see him again or if I will ever see him again. This guy whom I had just known for two months and the thought of never seeing him again made me hurt so badly. But there I stood without telling him all that. I couldn’t guess what he was thinking as we stood there staring at each other.
“So I guess its goodbye then.” He finally said.
“Yeah, I guess, bye,” I said.
He reached out and gave me a half-hug with a pat on the back before walking away. I watched his back for a few seconds before turning away. My eyes were moist with tears on the brink as I fought to keep them in. I took on step at a time as I too walked towards my dorm. Thank God no one was on my way or watching. I felt short of breathe as my chest heaved in pain. Holding my hands to my chest and making a fist, I beat it slowly honestly not knowing why. The hurting and the longing were just too much and it is at that moment that I realized I liked him! I had never felt like that before. Like my heart was being ripped out of me alive. And just like he said, I was regretting it already.
There was always this unexplained chemistry between us or feelings that always roamed around making things awkward. I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt it. And there we were again three years later with the same awkwardness.
The only difference is he knew how I felt but I wasn’t sure if he really believed me considering the questions he asked when I took the courage and told him a year later after he left. I was always thinking about him no matter how much I tried lying to myself that I liked someone else. I was scared of how deep I felt for him. To top it all, he never contacted me after he left. But
I was still holding on to him not knowing how he felt. So I decided to reach out to him.
The curiosity of knowing how he was doing or if he was okay was just too much. One of my close friends told me to at least open up a little and not to keep everything to myself, that everything has their limit. I remember searching multiple names on Facebook and Instagram to find him. It’s funny we were not following each other on social media or even had each other’s phone number. I pushed away any thoughts as to why he never bothered to find a way to reach me but that made my heart cringe a little. I was going to confess!
Confessing to someone you see or talk to daily makes sense and could be a little bit easier than confessing to someone you haven’t seen or talked to in a year. How do you start? “Hello? Hi? What’s up?” Most people do so, but for me, I had to start with a friend requesting him on Facebook and wait to be accepted. Weirdly, he responded within 10 minutes by accepting my request but not saying anything. That confused me even more.
I waited for at least a “hi” or “hello” or just anything, but there was no text from him. Just like anyone else, my assumption was I never really meant anything to him at all even just as a friend. I started beating myself up for looking for him, for friend requesting him. That is something I never do and hadn’t done considering I hadn’t really liked a guy as much as I liked him. I was falling for him or rather I already had but did not realize it sooner. So I decided to do the same, not say anything. Why would I be the first one to initiate a conversation when I had gone the extra mile of looking for him already?
The book My First Love By Rackim is also now available: